Horoscopes

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) You had a great Fat Tuesday yesterday. Or as you call it, Tuesday.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) You will come into money tomorrow as the trousers you buy in Oxfam have a 20p piece in the pocket.  

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) At school you used to say "Our Father, who fart in heaven" during the Lord's Prayer, so you kind of feel Richard Dawkins has stolen your schtick.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Japan! That's who the other baddies in World War Two were! If only you'd remembered a week ago, you would still have got nowhere on Only Connect. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) On Thursday your excitement about Making A Murderer ends when you realise it isn’t a fortnightly partwork magazine where the first issue costs just 99p.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) You woke up early today, so had time for a quick 'revenge reshuffle' before having a shower and heading to work.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You've always wondered why, of all the insults Kirsty MacColl throws at Shane McGowan in Fairytale of New York, she never once mentions his teeth.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You realise you've been a bit lonely lately when you respond to a text from your phone provider by asking what they're up to later.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) Now it's December you can have your first bite of mince pie before pulling a disgusted face and spitting it out again.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) After some custard creams are accidentally eaten from your desk today, you have no option but to set fire to the building as a retaliatory measure.