Arts & Entertainment

THE long wait is over for fans of fast-moving US police dramas as Channel Five screens the new series of Crime Scene Navy Crime.

GIANT plasma screens have been declared unsuitable for watching pornography after an increase in the number of people traumatised by gigantic cocks.

A GINGER tit is to carry on singing despite announcing he was splitting up a band which everyone thought was just him anyway.

THE growth in illegal music downloading is forcing desperate record company executives to buy less glamorous narcotics, the Daily Mash has learned.

LEONARDO da Vinci’s Mona Lisa was eating a sausage, a new digital scan of the famous painting has revealed.

THE indestructible robot assassin from the future, portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger, was tormented by his sexuality and the lost love of his youth, it has been revealed.

THE majority of the news output from the BBC is now about the BBC, according to a new BBC report.

ANNE Enright has won Britain's most prestigious literary award for her latest rollercoaster thrill-ride of a novel about some Irish people having a big talk about this and that. 

A TOURIST who spent 53 hours trapped inside the huge crack in the floor of the Tate Gallery has described the moment he knew he wanted to die.

BRITISH children have stepped up their demands for television programmes they will be able to bore each other with at dinner parties.