Business

BRITAIN has confirmed it is knocking off because it is now Christmas.

WETHERSPOON customers are demanding that the pub chain opens its doors at five in the morning.

ANYTHING ‘limited edition’, whether a sports car or a Snickers, attracts the high-spending twat demographic like moths to a flame, marketers have confirmed.

THE price of homes for first-time buyers has gone up by exactly what they are set to save after yesterday’s cut in stamp duty.

THE UK’s shops are already a complete f**king nightmare and retailers have confirmed they will remain that way until Christmas.

THE John Lewis monster devoured five child actors during the filming of the store’s Christmas advert, a behind-the-scenes special revealed.

MARY Portas has been filmed desperately attempting to resuscitate a dying branch of Warren James jewellers in Margate high street.

A MAN leaving a shop without paying for a Snickers has explained that, thanks to a network of complex offshore arrangements, it is perfectly legal.

INTEREST rates have gone up 0.25 per cent according to the Bank of England and 3.5 per cent according to your mortgage provider.

AN ICE cream van is still driving round like it’s not nearly the end of f**king October.