Business

PARENTS resentful about Halloween have been reminded it is the only thing standing between them and full-on Christmas.

BRITAIN’S economy is almost entirely based on paintball, according to new figures.

A CITY centre cash machine is expecting gratitude and thanks for not charging users £1.50 a time to take out their own money.

A LONDONER visiting a Costa Coffee in Stoke-on-Trent cannot understand where all the laptops have gone.

A HIGH level of cocaine use in upmarket restaurants may explain why the dishes all sound idiotic and the prices are insane, it has been claimed.

THE great essay mills of Northern Britain, which cover the country from Blackpool to Middlesbrough churning out dissertations, may have to close.

RYANAIR has promised passengers that they will receive generous compensation and replacement flights once they run its maze of death.

BISCUITS have responded triumphantly to the news that packets of the hated Jaffa Cakes will now be smaller.

A GUARDIAN-reading Londoner is hailing the Uber ban as a victory for worker’s rights despite being secretly pissed off.

OBSESSIVE Remain voters who have lost the ability to think about any other topic now have their own dating app.