Business

THE Bank of England has vowed that £5 and £10 notes will continue to be the animal fat-packed extra-crispy flavourful savoury treats that Britain loves.

A NEW food line aimed at greedy bastards is now on sale at Morrisons.

SHOPPERS have welcomed more expensive Tesco carrier bags because they have finally stopped them visiting the shite supermarket.

A COMPLETE twat from school is extremely wealthy thanks to the property market despite never having been good at anything.

BRITISH Gas has raised electicity prices by 12.5 per cent then immediately frozen them, as a favour to their customers.

ESTATE agents facing falling profits are confident everyone will be as kind to them on their way down as they have been to others on their way up.

A NEW employee at a design agency has begun yet another conversation aimed at discovering which of his colleagues smokes cannabis.

BRITISH households in dangerous levels of debt are confident that the banks will return the favour and bail them out this time.

SOUTHERN Rail’s punctuality has improved by 68 percent after the franchise was taken over by a 16-year-old on work experience.

CASH-IN-HAND payments are way better than sick pay, pension rights and all that other nonsense, tradesmen have confirmed.