Celebrity

YOUNG people can afford houses in areas that are cheap and undiscovered, as I plan to prove by building a three-bed family home for £120,000. Location? My anus.

THE Duchess of Cornwall has vowed to rule the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth with an iron fist when she becomes Queen, it has emerged.

WITH 90s ‘sex tape drama’ Pam & Tommy a hit on streaming services, which other tabloid fodder of the era is ripe for adaptation next? Definitely these momentous events:

PRINCE Andrew is convinced that if he can just lay out the facts about his billionaire private sex island paedophile friendship before a jury, they will understand. 

A 47-YEAR-OLD man still has the same top five celebrity shag list as when he was a young man, it has emerged

WITH the passing of US singer Meat Loaf, a mourning public may never discover the meaning behind his cryptic lyrics.

BOLLOCKS. I seem to have £2 million in unpaid debts and now people are hassling me for their money. Here are some things I probably shouldn’t have blown the cash on.

LOSING your patronages? Losing your military titles? No more HRH? Well who’s the Royal outcast now, motherf**ker? 

A RARE opportunity to buy this exclusive Swiss ski chalet has come up. Sale forced due to necessity of settling civil case. One careless, entitled owner. 

THE Duchess of Cambridge celebrates her 40th birthday on Sunday, and our grateful nation is wondering if now is the time to replace her.