Celebrity

THERE is no point to me anymore, but I continue to exist. So while I’m here I may as well irritate everyone as much as possible.

PRINCE Andrew has confirmed that he has refused to submit to questioning by the US Department of Justice because there is no Pizza Express there.

THIS week the heir to the throne urged Britons to do some “hard graft” and stop our fruit and vegetable crops going to waste. Here Charles gives more examples of how to work harder.

THE Queen is to make Captain Tom Moore Duke of York and eighth in line to the throne, replacing the former Prince Andrew.

JOE Wicks is teaching his junior army exercise moves like ‘overthrow capitalism’, ‘throw the molotov’ and ‘the guillotine’, a parent has noticed.

COLONEL Tom Moore is thrilled to hold the same military rank as the Duchess of Cornwall, he has confirmed.

PIERS Morgan is itching to get back to being the most obnoxious prick in the UK, it has emerged.

A GROUP of A-list celebrities have gotten together to shut the f**k up, with all the money raised going to charity.

EAMONN Holmes shared dangerous 5G conspiracy theories on This Morning, but what far-fetched conspiracy explains him still being in f**king work?

THE Queen has instructed Britain to stay indoors, sup a few cans, watch telly and keep its head down until ‘all this bollocks is over’.