Celebrity

IF IT’S true that you can judge a society by how it treats its elderly, then it’s equally true that you can judge a liberal country by how it treats its total arseholes.

A MATRONLY Bake Off fan is questioning everything she knew about herself after realising she is attracted to a man who dresses like a lady.

BRITAIN is celebrating the royal pregnancy in the traditional way with nauseating tabloid headlines and inane daytime TV speculation.

WILLIAM and Kate have announced a wonderful contraception mishap.

THE Queen has told Alan Titchmarsh she will never, ever shag him.

UNINTERESTING men have hailed Mark Wahlberg as their god.

CHARLES will become king when I am cold in the ground and not a minute earlier, the Queen has confirmed.

PRINCE Philip has completed his last public engagement, locked the gates of Buckingham Palace and told crowds to ‘fuck off out of it’ for the last time.

PRINCE George has declared his intention to become king as soon as possible and by any means necessary.

OJ SIMPSON, released from prison yesterday, has announced his intention to run for President of the United States.