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Environment

Hold shorter wet T-shirt competitions, and other things you should do during a drought

IF your local park looks like shit, you’re currently experiencing a drought. Make sure to take these necessary precautions.

Japanese quake gives knobhead excuse to talk about going to Japan

Six horrific occupations to have in a heatwave that happily aren't yours

FEELING miserable about sweating in an office in July? Cheer yourself up by reflecting on the difference between these jobs and yours.

The gobshite's guide to surviving a wildfire

UNSURE what you'd do if caught in a wildfire? Don't worry - loudmouthed know-it-all Martin Bishop explains how he'd expertly cope from the comfort of a bar stool.

That's enough sun for this year, says Britain

THE public has had its fill of the sun and is happy to spend the rest of 2026 in perpetual darkness, they have confirmed.

Keep your coat on in case it turns nippy: Northerners' heatwave advice for the rest of the country

BRITAIN is in the grip of another heatwave, not that it will trouble bluff, no-nonsense Northerners. Here is their advice to the rest of the nation.

Genital hygiene, and other responsibilities you can sack off in a heatwave

AS you brace yourself for another heatwave, remember you can use it as an excuse to get out of annoying tasks. Such as these time-wasting chores.

Frail 93-year-old encouraged to 'make the most of the heatwave'

A GREAT-GRANDMOTHER is being coaxed by her family to enjoy the wonderful sunshine of the next few days while it, and she, lasts.

Concern about climate change evaporates with falling temperature

A FALL in temperatures across the UK has been mirrored by a fall in concern about climate change, which is no longer the pressing issue it was on Thursday afternoon.

Total f**king bastard slept well last night

AN insufferable man has woken up feeling refreshed after getting a full eight hours of sleep last night.