Environment

FANCY a dip? Avoid Britain’s sewage-infested waters and fatal poisoning by swimming in these places instead.

A MAN who spent three years learning how to make his gas boiler turn on at the right time says the government can shove their heat pumps up their arses.

THE Queen has confessed being really irritated by people who do nothing their whole lives but sit around giving well-meaning speeches.

ONE minute you think they’ve got a point, the next they’re desperately annoying f**kwits blocking your route to Tesco. Do you support Insulate Britain or not?

SPIDERS come in varying degrees of terrifying. Here they are ranked from worst to most horrific.

THE hypocrisy of climate change protesters has been exposed after one was filmed inhaling oxygen and exhaling greenhouse gases.

EXTINCTION Rebellion has issued a formal apology and disbanded after having some sense shouted into them by an angry van driver.

WASPS are nasty little bastards because they suffer from low self-esteem and confidence, experts have confirmed.

A MAN extremely irate about climate protesters blocking roads just shrugs when flash floods do it instead.

EXCITED for September? Of course not. The ninth month of the year is an annual lesson in misery and disappointment.