Environment

SICK to death of the bloody environment? Here’s how to rub it in the greenies’ faces.

ASK any Brit what they know about abroad and they’ll tell you it’s too hot. So why are we suffering their continental temperatures?

THE rest of the UK has urged Londoners suffering record heat to bitch about it even more than they already are.

I don’t want to come on the heavy preacher but sometimes I look out of our private jet at the little people on the ground like insects and think - are you really doing enough to save Planet Earth? 

THE arrival of spring means people across the UK will be wearing the wrong thing every day for the next two months.

PLANTS that tough it out in the garden have confirmed that plants which live pampered lives indoors are absolute pussies.

THE public has decided to ignore all social responsibilities and work commitments because it is sunny out, it has been confirmed.

WITH Britain braced for the storm of the century, the Met Office is offering clear advice to dickheads who’ll ignore it: 

AMERICANS picture Britain as swinging London and quaint little thatched villages. Direct them to these hidden gems and see how they f**king like it.

THE UK’s farmers are up in arms at government plans to continue handing them large subsidies but to grow slightly different things.