Environment

THE hosepipe bans coming into force will give Britain's most annoying citizens countless ways to be pedantic bastards and tinpot Hitlers. Here’s how they'll make the most of it.

GOOD morning. As a meteorologist I create the weather, and last week my globalist paymasters ordered a record-breaking heatwave. Here’s how I did it.

WORRIED about droughts sweeping the UK next? Cheer up - we just laughed off the punishing drought of 1976, says increasingly desperate climate change denier Roy Hobbs.

A MAN with an underwhelming cock is making up for it by polluting the planet as much as he possibly can, he has confirmed.

YESTERDAY’S high temperatures caused a man from West Yorkshire to morph into a hot-blooded Continental. 

THE UK was apparently hotter than 99 per cent of the earth this week. Fact. So what abnormal behaviour did your weird neighbours get up to during the heatwave?

TOO hot, baking scorching hot-hot-hot stuffy boiling night and day, reports indicate.

THE people of Britain are blaming the heatwave on Greta Thunberg because she told them it would happen.

WHAT a scorcher and Britain’s loving it. Worried about climate change, like a Swedish schoolgirl? Consider the upsides, explains the Sun.

STRUGGLING to fall asleep in unbearable temperatures? Get a whole nine minutes of kip by following this practical advice.