Health

A TWAT on a train is exempt from wearing a mask because he has a Costa cup in his hand, he has revealed.

ARE you belligerently obsessed with anti-vaccine views? Here’s how to bang on about them in the most maddening way possible.

A MAN genuinely believes that if he was bleeding from his genitals once a month every month he would not talk about it.

RIGHT-WING knobheads across the UK have convinced themselves that their political opponents love being locked up in their own homes for months.

PROFESSOR Jonathan Van-Tam has advised the UK’s singles that if they want to get any winter action they must cuff up this weekend.

DID you grow up being told masturbation was a shameful, dirty, Godless habit? Here are six health-boosting reasons to tug away with gay abandon.

WE can all see what’s coming. Another cancelled Christmas, another January lockdown, all of it. These are the things you shouldn’t do while you can: 

WANT to go to the best Christmas gatherings but don’t want to get Omicron? Follow Professor Chris Whitty’s advice when deciding which friends to ditch:

WANT your extra jab of anti-Covid juice? So does everyone else. Here’s how to secure your immunity.

‘PUBS are closing all around us, NHS is struggling, country walks our only recreation, happy lockdown everyone.’ And other festive favourites rewritten...