Health

TODDLERS have expanded into their spherical outdoor forms for the winter months.

A WOMAN who ate a doughnut in the middle of the night is making her body an appropriate shape for the season.

PLAYING Red Dead Redemption until dawn is not a recognised medical condition, doctors have confirmed.

A WOMAN who enjoys exercise without any spiritualism or bullshit attached is being ignored by her friends.

FUSSY eaters are an absolute ballache to be around at a genetic level, scientists have discovered.

A WOMAN has more or less announced that she is pregnant by turning down the offer of alcohol.

DOCTORS will no longer see patients who arrive with a cigarette in one hand and an energy drink in the other.

A MAN has found out in the nick of time that he is chronically addicted to alcohol after doing a questionnaire on a website.

THE ancient jar of lime pickle in your fridge door must be thrown away immediately, experts have confirmed.

DRINKERS have demanded a cure for the weird and aggressive personality that seems to take over when they are extremely pissed.