Lifestyle

YOU can’t leave the house, and it turns out most things are done outside the house. But what can you tick off from your bucket list while alone in the front room?

THE UK’s residents have spent a lovely weekend behaving like stupid, reckless wankers, they have happily confirmed.

IF you’re middle-class and self-isolating, people still need to know that you’re better than them. Here’s how to do it.

A COUPLE who never get off their arses are furious that they are not supposed to go anywhere at the moment.

A WOMAN is unconcerned about running out of loo roll because she has at least 3,000 crumpled receipts in her handbag.

A MAN who spent his morning panic-buying toilet roll will spend his evening with a large group of regulars at his local. 

A MATE in London is showing off about being in total lockdown while friends in the provinces are so behind they can still leave their homes. 

PEOPLE in jobs that are total bollocks are wondering if they have wasted their lives, they have confirmed.

WITH the coronavirus making summer holidays abroad unlikely, here are five shitty places you can choose to visit in Britain instead.

A WOMAN is pretending to be relaxed about whether guests should keep their shoes on at the front door or take them off.