How to survive a nuclear war according to made-up films

BRITONS are well-prepared to survive a nuclear strike by Russia thanks to watching a vast number of dubious post-apocalyptic films. Here’s what we’ve learned.

'Any chance of keeping the war going a few more months?' Johnson asks Putin

BORIS Johnson is trying to persuade Vladimir Putin to keep the invasion of Ukraine ticking over for the rest of spring and perhaps summer.

Seven more feeble threats from that wanker Putin

WITH his questionable threats to cut off the West’s gas supplies, Vladimir Putin seems determined to be a really shit Bond villain. Here the Russian president sets out his other not-so-diabolical schemes.

'I'd go to a warzone but I’m always in hi-viz': Boris Johnson's excuses for not visiting Kyiv

THREE prime ministers, none of whom are leading-from-the-front Boris Johnson, have met President Zelensky in Kyiv. What’s his excuse?

Gammon forced to rethink his rosy view of Blitz post-Ukraine

A BRITISH man who had always thought of the Blitz as a wonderful time that brought Britons together has confessed that footage of Ukraine has made him think again.

Eight great reasons why you would definitely volunteer to go and fight Russians in Ukraine but you can't

VOLUNTEERS from across Europe are travelling to Ukraine to battle the Russian army. Obviously you’d love to but you can’t, because:

All wars are terrible but at least they didn't used to include memes

ALL armed conflicts are horrific but this one is a bit worse because it has the added misery of memes, historians have confirmed.

We thought we'd do the pandemic before the world war instead of after this time, says history

HISTORY has confirmed that it decided to do the whole pandemic before the world war rather than after this time, to mix things up a bit. 

Russia vs Ukraine or Vardy vs Rooney: which are you honestly more invested in?

TWO conflicts are dominating headlines: Russia’s and the Ukraine and Colleen Rooney’s against Rebekah Vardy. Which do you honestly give more of a shit about?

America to invade Texas

President Biden has declared war on Texas, vowing to remove its regime of medieval tyranny.