War

BAA has unveiled a radical plan to improve the efficiency of Britain's major airports by firing all of its staff.

THE Duchess of Cornwall has offered to cuddle an AIDS baby in public if it will prevent her being dragged through the streets by a blood-thirsty mob.

THE US Army has mislaid 200,000 Iraqi civilians in the last four years but thinks most of them have probably just gone on holiday for a "bit of a break". 

BRITAIN and the United States have signed an historic agreement to hunt down witches and burn them in the village square.After talks at the White House George Bush and Gordon Brown agreed that Senator Hillary Clinton was almost certainly the leader of an international coven which "nightly indulges in fleshy abominations with Satan himself".Brown said: "If we pious and humble souls are to save thee from devilish temptations we must, by the grace of God, makest a mortal enemy of witchcraft.

IT is one of the most critically acclaimed shows in the history of television, but last night's premiere of the new series of the West Wing left British viewers perplexed.

PRIME Minister Gordon Brown is to have the union flag tattooed across his buttocks in a bid to rally the nation in the face of terror.

PRIVATE health care firm Bupa is being parachuted in to take control of the NHS’s failing British terror campaign, the Daily Mash can reveal.

DOZENS of cars blown-up across the UK in the wake of the failed terror attacks are part of an elaborate insurance scam, the Daily Mash has learned.

MILLIONS of Scots slept easier in their beds last night as justice secretary Kenny MacAskill took full control of the nation's security.