War

THE very big terror plot uncovered by police last week is not big, does not involve terrorists and is not a plot of any kind, it has emerged.

POLICE raids on suspected terrorists have uncovered a potentially lethal stockpile of bullshit, it emerged last night.

HOME secretary Jacqui Smith last night warned that Britain faced a serious and imminent threat from dirty bombs and Spandau Ballet.

THE former head of MI5 last night finally twigged that thing the rest of us realised about seven years ago.

MINUTES from Cabinet meetings in the run up to the Iraq war are expected to reveal how key decisions were made during a blood-soaked voodoo ritual.

A SERVING head of MI5 has appeared before the press for the first time and he is incredibly bald.

THE Prime Minister last night began the elimination of his enemies as he pledged to cleanse Britain of the virus of dissent.

FIVE people were killed by a bent cucumber last night just hours after the European Union scrapped its controversial regulations on twisted fruit.

MOST British people are looking forward to having a policeman stand on their windpipe, the home secretary said yesterday.

FUNDAMENTALIST Muslim clerics last night vowed to preach their message of hate via conference calls.