War

THE army has pledged to keep building massive killer robots with a grudge against humanity, insisting that nothing can possibly go wrong.

GALLIC chipmunks injected with AIDS and drunk on red wine are pouring through the channel tunnel in what experts believe is exactly the sort of invasion you'd expect from the French.

MINISTERS were last night told to stop dicking about and just buy a load of helicopters, for Christ's sake.

MORE people know where Afghanistan is compared to three years ago while thousands more have promised to look it up on Google, according to a new poll.

THE very big terror plot uncovered by police last week is not big, does not involve terrorists and is not a plot of any kind, it has emerged.

POLICE raids on suspected terrorists have uncovered a potentially lethal stockpile of bullshit, it emerged last night.

HOME secretary Jacqui Smith last night warned that Britain faced a serious and imminent threat from dirty bombs and Spandau Ballet.

THE former head of MI5 last night finally twigged that thing the rest of us realised about seven years ago.

MINUTES from Cabinet meetings in the run up to the Iraq war are expected to reveal how key decisions were made during a blood-soaked voodoo ritual.

A SERVING head of MI5 has appeared before the press for the first time and he is incredibly bald.