War

THERE was anger last night as European bureaucrats threatened to outlaw classic British puddings such as freckled ball bag and boiled arseholes.

GORDON Brown will this week tell the United Nations that Britain can no longer afford a fleet of multi-billion pound nuclear submarines it never needed in the first place.

OSAMA Bin Laden has swapped his hate-fuelled rhetoric for lengthy progressive rock jams, his new audio tape has revealed.

THREE twats were convicted yesterday of somehow managing to make British airports even more fucked-up than they already were.

THE army has pledged to keep building massive killer robots with a grudge against humanity, insisting that nothing can possibly go wrong.

GALLIC chipmunks injected with AIDS and drunk on red wine are pouring through the channel tunnel in what experts believe is exactly the sort of invasion you'd expect from the French.

MINISTERS were last night told to stop dicking about and just buy a load of helicopters, for Christ's sake.

MORE people know where Afghanistan is compared to three years ago while thousands more have promised to look it up on Google, according to a new poll.

THE very big terror plot uncovered by police last week is not big, does not involve terrorists and is not a plot of any kind, it has emerged.

POLICE raids on suspected terrorists have uncovered a potentially lethal stockpile of bullshit, it emerged last night.