War

BRITAIN'S spies are demanding a 25% pay increase to prevent their wives having to work as whores.

THE number of Iraqis expecting to still be alive by lunchtime has risen to an all-time high, an upbeat new survey shows.

PETERBOROUGH was today bracing itself for wave after wave of devastating raids by low-flying Tornado fighter-bombers.

HITLER'S astrologer told the Nazi leader to expect good news about a part-time job or an unexpected cash gift from a family member, according to files just released by the National Archive. 

POLICE last night cordoned off an unexploded plastic bag in the centre of Norwich, as shoppers fled for their lives.

THEY are portrayed as a haven for families, but beneath the idyllic, tree-lined surface, Center Parcs are teeming with paint-balling gangs of would-be terrorists, it was claimed yesterday.

FANATICS who use the internet as a platform for militant Scrabulism will be hunted down like wild pigs, the Home Office said last night.

WAR is perfect for soothing away the niggling aches and strains of modern life, the British Army said last night. 

AIRLINES are to lift the ban on KY and other proprietary sex lubricants, under new security regulations introduced today.

BRITAIN was huddled close together last night as the first snowfall of winter launched a massive assault on our cherished way of life.