War

AN estimated 60,000 fans are to gather at Wembley Stadium for a series of charity lectures on the intractable nature of the war in Afghanistan.

WE'VE got bloody lasers and everything now, the Royal Navy said last night.

A MAJORITY of Britons would support a retro, 80s-style war with Argentina, especially if it was narrated by Stuart Maconie, it emerged last night.

BRITAIN'S top judge has accused the secret service of trying to keep everything a big secret.

RACISTS are damaging the reputation of the British Army and undermining its mission to kill brown people, it was claimed last night.

AL Qaeda is expected to focus its recruitment policy on ugly, fat people following the introduction of 'naked' airport scanners, it was claimed last night.

THERE was anger last night as European bureaucrats threatened to outlaw classic British puddings such as freckled ball bag and boiled arseholes.

GORDON Brown will this week tell the United Nations that Britain can no longer afford a fleet of multi-billion pound nuclear submarines it never needed in the first place.

OSAMA Bin Laden has swapped his hate-fuelled rhetoric for lengthy progressive rock jams, his new audio tape has revealed.

THREE twats were convicted yesterday of somehow managing to make British airports even more fucked-up than they already were.