War

Phase one complete, Dacre tells home planet

CHIEF Daily Mail space creature Paul Dacre has mind-merged with his martian leader to report that Earth is almost ready for invasion.

End of Iraq war marked by beginning of Iraq civil war

AMERICA'S withdrawal from Iraq will be marked by a special civil war as soon as the last helicopter leaves.

Army to recruit people too deranged to be in the Army

MEN with full libraries of SAS books, a selection of balaclavas and a cabinet of replica weapons are to solve the Army’s recruitment crisis, it has emerged. emerged.

Zawahiri to lead the three guys in his living room

AYMAN al-Zawahiri was last night named as the leader of the three guys sitting in his living room that everyone has agreed to call 'Al Qaeda'.

Doctors to check for anyone who looks a bit bomb-y

HOME Secretary Theresa May has asked GPs to check if any of their patients look like they might blow up soon.

Jesus tells Archbishop to shut it

CHRIST the Saviour has told the Archbishop of Canterbury to stop being such a pansy.

Anger as millions denied chance to look at Bin Laden's brain instead of working

MILLIONS of people across the world have been denied the chance to use up the best part of their morning staring at the gloopy contents of Osama Bin Laden's ruptured head.

We will recover from this, pledge fearmongers

THE death of Osama Bin Laden is a temporary glitch, purveyors of top quality fear have insisted.

Greggs sausage rolls rebel against humanity

BRITAIN'S favourite pastry snacks have announced that 'they are the masters now'.

British submarines 'can't go underwater'

BRITAIN's multi-billion pound Trident submarines do not work underwater, secret files have revealed.