War

AYMAN al-Zawahiri was last night named as the leader of the three guys sitting in his living room that everyone has agreed to call 'Al Qaeda'.

HOME Secretary Theresa May has asked GPs to check if any of their patients look like they might blow up soon.

CHRIST the Saviour has told the Archbishop of Canterbury to stop being such a pansy.

MILLIONS of people across the world have been denied the chance to use up the best part of their morning staring at the gloopy contents of Osama Bin Laden's ruptured head.

THE death of Osama Bin Laden is a temporary glitch, purveyors of top quality fear have insisted.

BRITAIN'S favourite pastry snacks have announced that 'they are the masters now'.

BRITAIN's multi-billion pound Trident submarines do not work underwater, secret files have revealed.

AFGHAN civilians are facing a three month wait to be blown to smithereens, it has emerged.

BRITAIN last night offered safe haven to Colonel Gaddafi's charmingly-named terrorist sidekick.

COLONEL Gaddafi last night decided to just go ahead and assume that we are actively trying to kill him.