Columnists

Dispatches from Poppy Spalding Wednesday: AmsterdamAMSTERDAM! You might think that I came here for the same reasons as all the gibbering British zombaloids lumbering around the streets with nutella smeared on their chins - and maybe that is why I came. But there are more reasons to visit than the varieties of soapbar available: you can also educate your mind about art and discover what gender you really are in one of the many sex venues, which was something I'd previously had to rely on Facebook for.

"There are many measures I take to keep myself free of disease, including never touching other people in any way and always wiping from front to back..."

Dispatches from Poppy SpaldingWednesday: BerlinThis week, I'm in the place where both clubbers and Nazis come to see where it all started: Berlin! Although, I must say there are basically no Nazis left these days and the locals get really red-faced if you try and ask them about it. Nevertheless, this place is teeming with technoheads!

By Karen Fenessey YET another day passes where I must bite the tears and press on in this terrible world where there is no Michael. His message to the world 'It don't matter if you're black or white' has never been so relevant – especially as I recently learned from the BBC series The Incredible Human Journey: Out of Africa that in fact all humans are black, regardless of the colour of their skin.

With Poppy SpaldingWEDNESDAY: ROMEThis week finds me in the former lava-loving, viaduct-building world dominator: Roma, Italia! It's always been my dream to come to Rome so I can see if all the roads really do lead here. I now fully understand how they do as there are just so many roads, and they literally lead in hundreds of directions.

By Karen Fenessey WHEN I was a younger woman, I flirted with the idea of getting into politics because of my diplomatic skills, impeccably high moral standards and vocabulary consisting of roughly a million words. This is why I cannot fathom how recent events have come to decimate our once so fabulous government.

Dear Doctor Toby, I am in the ocean, it is sunny and warm and peaceful. I feel safe and relaxed for the first time in ages. Then a dolphin comes to see me. He is happy, and this makes me happy. And then his dolphin friends come and see me too and they form a circle around me, just below the water...

Dispatches from Poppy Spalding I've always believed I am the reincarnation of the lush, gold-plated boy king, Tutankhamun. That is why it was imperative that I returned to my old stomping ground of ancient Egypt to check out my pyramids and cop some rays.

By Karen FenesseyWHAT would you do if your parents knew exactly what your willy or vagina looked like?

Dispatches from Poppy SpaldingTuesday: DubaiDUBAI, Dubai - so good they named it twice. I've never seen so much money crammed into one space - even the eye spaces in the ladies' veils are filled in with diamonds. It's the sort of place where everyone's dreams really can come true - as long as your dream isn't to have a noisy shag on a beach.