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I NEVER asked for this assignment, but I guess some dumb sonofabitch has got to do it. You see what those assholes in suits downtown don't understand is that when someone lets their dog crap on the pavement it's guys like me who have to put it in a plastic bag and dispose of it.

Dispatches from Poppy Spalding American politicians love England because of all the help we've provided during the war in Iraq so they're never far away from naming their children after random areas of the country. But the Democrats are faring better in this competition because, as far as I know, my great uncle Rod never refers to  his carer's breasts as 'Chelseas'...

MORNING everyone, and welcome to a busy stretch of the M25 where some crazed lunatic has taken it upon himself to cut his fellow drivers up, with little or no consideration for other motorists. The consequences of the sort of driving we've just witnessed could've been disastrous.

With Jimmy Conway and Tommy DeVito A house With a door One, two, three, four Ready to play What's the day? It's Tuesday you dumb fuck

By Karen Fenessey "Not only will this take valuable time away from the significant contribution veiled women make to the French economy via online poker, but will also interfere with prayer mat routines and cooking along with Nigella..."

Shakespeare’s been teaching me how to play darts and I'm entered into a tournament next week. Darts is a bit different up here - this is Heaven so it's obviously well fucking better.

'Sir Arthur used it to catch the dead ones out of The Golden Girls and gently lick their faces before letting them go again. Cheeky bastard...'

Gizmo news and reviews with Nicholas Bispen   FANS of the troubled Pernice Boomerang handset have been disappointed following the long-delayed launch of the v-shaped personal organiser.

"OI you, saggy flaps!" I shouted at the trolley dolly as she walked down the aisle to serve one of my six bodyguards, "I think you'll find that this is only a triple measure of Jack and I specifically asked for a quadruple. Be a luv and bring us the bottle."

This week's hottest new single releasesDas Shittz - You Are Not My Daddy The band recently reported their producer to the musical ombudsman after he bricked them up into a chimney until they got a drum snare right.