Columnists

EVER seen a happy person get cancer? Exactly. Illness cannot exist in a human that is thinking happy thoughts. It's important to constantly think positively or you could find yourself with a disease on your hands.

I'VE been receiving a lot of emails recently from fans asking what my Christmas day is going to be like. The truth is, it's going to be in the top seven percent of Christmases globally.

OF course it's super that Julian Assange has felt the long arm of the law this week and now knows that when it comes to sex, you have to just say no. But what is his crime, really?

YOUR current reality or your current life is as you created it. If you haven’t found your soulmate, or you wish you had a better one, you're the one to blame. Like me, you can have the finest and most elegant soulmate this planet has to offer.

NOW pay attention men. Last night at around 17.00 hours, I took delivery of the latest batch of DVD videograms I've been asked to review, courtesy of Mr Jones, who also included a lamb chop and two pork sausages.

My hotel is right on the Strip so I wasn't surprised when I found traces of GSR in my toilet. I was able to guesstimate the TOD to be 4am. There was no use looking for the VIC - he'd be six metres under the Nevada desert by now, his dental records vanished without a trace. Further investigations under the bed revealed a Riverdance DVD and a Scholl Party Foot...

"Something tells me the only type of music Simon Cowell can hear these days is the kind that's piping wistfully from his skin flute."

Dispatches from Poppy SpaldingWednesday: San Francisco Out clubbing, I met so many ultra-friendly gender pirates, including a stunning boy called Andy who was like seven feet-tall, even with his stilettos off...

Hi don't mind tellin' you hit hain't heasy gettin' the night awf, but Lady Penelope bein' the gracious woman what she is says to me: "If you really must slob around in your ghastly track suit bottoms watching the television then be my guest, Parker. But I insist you switch it awf by 11.30, and don't forget to leave the back door open so Raul the gardener can get in."

"Yes, it's the day everyone's been waiting for with a sense of grotesque inevitability: Lourdes has finally set to work on those eyebrows..."