Columnists

Madonna's actions have resurrected the age old question of how old a nipple has to be before it is euthanised.

A feline perspective on the latest cinema releases.

MUSIC is the soundtrack to our lives - dancing, drinking, networking at exclusive members-only events and, perhaps most importantly, masturbating.

My neighbours are an even bigger shower of cretinous bastards than I thought.

In the end, it didn't matter how valuable an asset Ötzi was in the sky or on a beach volleyball team, he simply had to die.

Sacrificial bees, oily cougars from Shropshire and bundles of soiled towels are all part of Kate's life now she's married royalty.

I'm a man of science and couldn't help noting some subtle anomalies. His thumbs were double their original size and his testicles were on the wrong side of his trousers.

Many people think that I'm the sort of person who constantly had people urinating in his locker at school.

For sheer edgy cool you cannot top masturbating in a disabled toilet in the provinces.

Thinking on my feet, I whipped my pants down to give a rare showing of what my fifth form biology teacher giddily referred to as my Mambo Number Five.