Columnists

Every time Haskins gives me and George a bollocking, I put on some native American chanting music.

I dig that Wallander cat, I dig his solemnity and I dig his theme tune.

To show you how much I love real ale, here's a number from my new concept album, Roll Out The Casque Marked, CAMRA-Approved Barrel...

You can get the 'Wiggins look' with little more than pubes and sticky tape.

Any truly intrepid scientist would jump at the chance to go in and have a good old rummage around.

How could Tom stay enthusiastic about a woman whose buttocks could slice a man's leg off?

The book's about a weird lady who must be very grumpy because she's always moaning.

What a cat thinks about the new Batman film.

He's commanding the Bottom Quark to drive to the petrol station with no skirt on.

Wayne Rooney was banned for two matches is because he was caught illegally harvesting the hair of corpses.