Columnists

Journalists these days are being persecuted like never before and are in danger of losing all the freedom they once had to smoke out evil celebrities.

I resisted organisation for so long for fear it would make me less sexy, but ironically it's sexual organisation that has most enhanced my personal life the most.

AS you may have noticed, Walking On The Moon by the police is currently playing. It is, of course, inconceivable that I knew this record would be one of my choices.

'Good morning handsome, you giant mountain of sexual satisfaction, supported by two thighs so muscular in nature they could be mistaken for those of an elk'.

The problem with asteroids and Ms Katona is that both can be elusive.

Wimbledon has got to be my favourite place in the whole, wide world, even if it isn't a tax haven.

I can't imagine any animal that wouldn't grow to its maximum size under Andy Murray's firm guidance.

My book would be No One Here Gets Out Alive, the biography of Jim Morrison.

Despite what the sluts say, most men are not that stupid.

Your close circle of friends reflects on you as a person so it's needs to look and smell excellent.