Sport Headlines

ENGLAND have rewarded India's act of noble savagery by admitting them to the Trent Bridge bar to drink amongst gentlemen.

A DEVASTATED Manchester United squad have begun a round the clock vigil at bedside of team mate, Javier Hernandez after a football hit his little face.

ENGLAND has questioned the ICC's decision to give them small plastic children's bats for the second test on Friday.

TOM Daley will today make the first dive into the new Olympic pool that he really hopes someone has remembered to fill with water.

THE government has tabled an ambitious £50m bid to preserve Carlos Tevez for the entire nation.

HARRY Redknapp is reconsidering a loan move for Emmanuel Adebayor after the Man City striker said moving to London seemed like a faff.

DARREN Clarke celebrated his Open victory last night with another batch of top quality tobacco.

ROBERTO Mancini will purchase every member of Arsenal's squad, with the obvious exception of Eboue, just to see the look on Arsene Wenger's face.

BRITISH athletes are far too nice to try and win things, according to turtle-faced coach Sir Clive Woodward.

ARSENE Wenger has been warned by his last remaining player, Emmanuelle Eboué, that he never, ever plans to leave.