Sport Headlines

THE original budget for the London Olympics failed to include more than £8 billion for pointless leaflets that will go straight in the bin, MPs said last night.

ARSENAL manager Arsene Wenger last night refused to condemn referees as a collection of bastards who would do anything to help Manchester United win the league.

REBEL Indian cricket promoters were last night ordered to return to their labours in the tea plantations, or feel the harsh crack of English discipline.

OFFICIALS at Wimbledon are to outlaw the practice of 'fisting' during matches in a move to clean up the increasingly offensive world of international tennis. 

MORE than 99% of the spoiled ballots in the Holyrood election came from areas with the highest concentration of Rangers and Celtic supporters, according to new research.

HE encapsulates modern Glasgow and extends a warm Scottish welcome to the world: He's Mungo the Shit-Faced Octopus.

POLICE have issued an urgent warning to the public not to approach the designer of the London 2012 Olympic logo.

BRITISH number one Andy Murray has completed his preparations for dropping out of Wimbledon with the appointment of a world-class excuses coach.

THE musical director for the 2012 London Olympics has admitted that the ceremonial brass band 'probably won't bother' to learn Scotland's national anthem.

HEARTS chairman Vladimir Romanov is to transform the old Royal Bank of Scotland headquarters in Edinburgh into the city's first A-listed discount garden centre.