Sport Headlines

ANDY Murray has announced that he will no longer be using a racket during tennis matches.

CAR-pointing experts Ferrari have caused uproar by replacing their driving team with two excessively polite gentlemen from the 1820s.

LIVERPOOL boss Roy Hodgson has unsettled new signing Joe Cole by repeatedly asking whether he's Sylvia or Enid's lad.

FORMULA 1 car-pointer Mark Webber will start the next Grand Prix in a 1998 Fiat Punto.

JOYFUL crowds spilled onto the streets of Spain last night as the nation celebrated its World Cup victory with a traditional bout of doing unspeakable things to donkeys.

MANCHESTER City defender Wayne Bridge today admitted his World Cup dream had been destroyed by the penis of John Terry.

BUILDERS working on England's World Cup base in South Africa have admitted the underground depravity cave may not be completed on schedule.

OCCASIONAL sports fans have begrudgingly fired up Wikipedia in an attempt to understand exactly what Amy Williams won a medal for.

TIGER Woods had intercourse with up to five different women during his televised apology, it emerged last night.

PATRICK Vieira has defended his attack on Glenn Whelan by claiming he was in the middle of a Word War Two flashback.