Sport Headlines

MANCHESTER City cheese-before-bedtime nightmare Carlos Tevez has rocked fans by asking for a larger pen.

FANS have asked for the ownership battle over Liverpool FC to be staged at Anfield in place of the actual football.

ENGLAND'S football chiefs have declared last night's 0-0 draw null and void after failing to find Montenegro in their 1959 Atlas Of The World.

CARLOS Tevez has asked the Premier League to consider overhauling the entire football rulebook as his legs are a bit tired.

THE owner of the Boston Red Sox has fulfilled a life-long ambition of surrounding himself with thousands of whining bastards who want to steal his car.

EUROPE'S Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie last night said the victory would not have been possible without the love and guidance of Jesus Christ.

GOLFING intercourse monster Tiger Woods has taken advantage of the wet weather in Wales by sleeping with a string of underwater prostitutes.

CHELSEA stewards have joined Everton on a loan deal so that suffering fans can be tossed quickly out of the ground when it all gets too awful.

TERRY-Thomas has been banned from the Tour de France amid claims of skullduggery and caddishness.

LIVERPOOL'S poor start to the season has been traced to an ancient Arapaho curse under the Kop End at Anfield.