Sport Headlines

ALBERTO Aquilani has been loaned to Juventus after manager Luigi Delneri revealed himself to be a keen jigsaw collector.

THE lunatic fantasy world of Newcastle United supporters has started to manifest itself in this dimension after the club's 6-0 win over Aston Villa.

AN ENGLAND footballer has taken out a High Court injunction in a bid to prevent a newspaper revealing their obsession with underage giraffe orgies.

JOE Cole continued his bid to acclimatise to life in Liverpool yesterday by appearing before a magistrate.

CRAIG Bellamy has completed his loan move from Man City to Cardiff after tests confirmed him to be the Welshest man on the planet.

WEST Bromwich Albion have abandoned football and are to regroup as a Dixieland jazz band.

ENGLAND manager Fabio Capello feels England could soon compete against the likes of Burundi or even Burkino Faso following last night's demolition of Hungary.

MARTIN O'Neill has quit as manager of Aston Villa after being asked to mould a trophy winning team out of tiny plastic figures who have to be flicked around the pitch.

MANCHESTER United and Chelsea have successfully relaunched their totally fictitious rivalry.

THE Chinese government has warned the people of Liverpool that it will not tolerate the theft of its property once it buys the local football club.