Sport Headlines

THE Great North Run enjoyed its most successful year so far yesterday as record numbers of competitors managed to escape from Tyneside.

CHELSEA chief executive Peter Kenyon is to succeed Darth Vader when the Imperial enforcer steps down from his post next month.

EMMANUEL Adebayor has embarked on a cross-country quest to stick his business in the face of every Arsenal fan in the UK.

THE potentially fatal consequences of texting while competing in track and field events will be highlighted in a series of shocking adverts.

ENGLISH football fans were scouring South African guide books last night as the search began for the best places to fight and piss.

SLOVENIA'S Bostjan Cesar has been banned for life from football after allowing himself to be stabbed by Wayne Rooney.

CHELSEA owner Roman Abramovich may be forced to buy other types of human being following the club's 18 month transfer ban.

ENGLAND'S football managers spent yesterday rifling through each other's bin bags in the hope of finding something that was not covered in rancid milk and tea leaves.

A THRILLING summer of terrible cricket reached its climax yesterday as England regained the Ashes by being marginally less dreadful than Australia.

CASTER Semenya, the big, strong athlete, will today be checked for a pair of balls.