Sport Headlines

TEST match cricket was declared stupid last night after England drew with Australia despite being much, much worse at cricket than them.

FORMULA One has taken on the role and responsibilities of 'Odessa', the support network for fugitive Nazis, it was claimed last night.

MICHAEL Owen has begun his Manchester United career by breaking his wrist in three places while attempting to sign his new contract.

ROGER Federer tore up the record books predictably last night following an utterly tedious victory over some American who's done nothing but play tennis since he was seven.

LEWIS Hamilton last night became the youngest ever winner of the World Car Pointing Championship.

RUNNING for any distance greater than five metres is stupid, it was confirmed last night.

CHELSEA coach Luiz Felipe Scolari believes his team can win all three domestic trophies, the Champions League, University Challenge and Masterchef.

ANIMAL was yesterday hailed as the fastest Muppet alive after shattering the 100m world record.

FOOTBALLER Cristiano Ronaldo is being lined up to star in a multi-million dollar remake of the epic TV series Roots.

EVERYONE in Britain is now a fucking tennis expert who could easily replace Dan Maskell, or whoever it is that does the commentary these days.