Sport Headlines

CHELSEA fans last night admitted they had been looking forward to a Barcelona-Real Madrid Champions League final.

BERNIE Ecclestone has unveiled plans for a Formula One car pointing session through the grounds of Auschwitz.

TEENAGE Norwich City fan Chris Brown is to be burned at the stake for dabbling in the dark arts of electricity.

THOUSANDS of determined runners are preparing to urinate in their pants at this weekend's London Marathon.

REFEREE Martin Atkinson has announced that Chelsea Rovers won their game in straight sets yesterday.

HORSE racing is okay, but you really have to be in the mood, horses have confirmed.

DAMIEN Comolli has resigned from his post of chief moneyburner at Liverpool FC after winning $40 million via email.

ALEX Ferguson has confessed that he has been managing Liverpool for the last 15 months.

ANDY Carroll will play for Liverpool against Newcastle this weekend in the hope it will trigger memories of his former behaviour.

GLENN Hoddle is planning to end his own life, ride the wheel of karma and return to this world as the manager of the England football team.