Sport

BRAZILIAN superstar Kaká has called off a move to Manchester after his agent finally said the word 'city'.

LIVERPOOL manager Rafa Benitez has poured scorn on Sir Alex Fergsuson insisting he 'wheel love heet' if his side beats Man United to the Premier League title.

THE death threats to Jermain Defoe suggest someone may actually be taking Portsmouth seriously, experts said last night.

PREMIER league footballers remain utterly ghastly despite their multi-million pound salaries, research has found.

ROY Keane resigned as manager of Sunderland yesterday to spend more time with the 26 voices that echo around the inside of his head.

BRITAIN was riding the crest of a wave of victory last night after repeatedly striking gold in one of those sports that nobody ever watches.

PRESIDENT Nicolas Sarkozy was thrown out of Britain last night and told to stick his Anglo-French brotherhood up his arse, after England lost 1-0 to France.

MOTORSPORT bosses have unveiled plans to overhaul Formula One with exciting new features, including hand to hand combat and an elephant on a skateboard.

ENGLAND has asked to be excused from sports for the rest of the year after producing a note from its mum.

KEVIN  Keegan and Newcastle have pledged to drive off a cliff together in a final act of sisterhood, rather than face relegation from the premier league.