Sport

ASTON Villa boss Martin O'Neill last night defended fielding a 69 year-old tea lady in central defence after his side were dumped out of the Uefa cup.

THE editors of the Oxford English Dictionary have agreed to include the word 'ronaldo' as a synonym for 'despicable', 'dishonest' and 'shitbag'.

SIR Allen Stanford, the six foot four Texan with an obsessive love of cricket, could be impossible to find, the FBI admitted last night.

SPURS striker Roman Pavlyuchenko last night hit out at England's lack of beetroot sandwiches and ugly, toothless old hags.

ONLY one in 10 professional footballers in England is not currently under arrest, the FA confirmed last night.

THE official slogan for the 2012 Olympics will be 'London, City of Fucking Sport and Shit', mayor Boris Johnson has confirmed.

LUIZ Philipe Scolari has once again demonstrated his tactical genius after pocketing £15m for just seven months work.

SIXTEEN UK tourists on a Carribbean beach holiday have had their trip thrown into disarray after being forced to play cricket matches.

MANCHESTER City was last night lining up last minute bids for just about everyone as the club looked to secure a place in the preliminary round of next year's Uefa Cup.

NEWCASTLE United boss Joe Kinnear was left red-faced yesterday after accidentally calling his team 'Shitcastle'.