Sport

Capello Sets World Cup Arrest Target

ENGLAND must finish in the top four sides arrested for lewd and uncontrollable drunkenness during this summer's World Cup, Fabio Capello said yesterday.

Wags Bug England Team Talk To Discover Where That Rash Came From

The secret recording of an England team talk was carried out by a group of WAGs desperate to discover why they are having to take antibiotics, it was claimed last night.

Ferguson Distances Himself From Thing That Does Seem To Benefit Everyone Involved

MANCHESTER United manger Sir Alex Ferguson last night rejected claims he was involved in a plan that will help millionaires become richer and shut thousands of miserable fans the fuck up.

South Africa To Send Every Football Fan £200 And An Apology

AS spending on the World Cup spirals out of control, South Africa has decided to cancel the tournament and write every supporter a cheque instead.

Carling Cup Concluded Without Sexual Incident

MANCHESTER United and Aston Villa were congratulated yesterday after the Carling Cup final ended without any of the players having sex with something.

Wimbledon Ditches Rules In Bid To Keep Munters Off Centre Court

THE All-England Tennis Club has scrapped its traditional rules in a bid to preserve centre court for pretty Russian girls with pert buttocks, instead of the ox-like munters who win most of the time.

Michael Vaughan Retires Again

CRICKET fans were shocked last night after Michael Vaughan announced his retirement for what they were sure was at least the fourth time.

Newcastle Alienate Remaining Fans With New Away Kit

THE Newcastle United board has decided to alienate its few remaining fans with a new away kit that looks like a boiled sweet made from urine.

Hull To Buy Owen For Spares

Hull City are to buy Michael Owen with a view to breaking the player down for parts.

Flintoff Secures Ashes Place By Scoring Twelve Runs

ANDREW Flintoff's Ashes bid received a boost yesterday after scoring 12 runs against a side throwing the ball quite fast.