Sport

MANCHESTER United manger Sir Alex Ferguson last night rejected claims he was involved in a plan that will help millionaires become richer and shut thousands of miserable fans the fuck up.

AS spending on the World Cup spirals out of control, South Africa has decided to cancel the tournament and write every supporter a cheque instead.

MANCHESTER United and Aston Villa were congratulated yesterday after the Carling Cup final ended without any of the players having sex with something.

THE All-England Tennis Club has scrapped its traditional rules in a bid to preserve centre court for pretty Russian girls with pert buttocks, instead of the ox-like munters who win most of the time.

CRICKET fans were shocked last night after Michael Vaughan announced his retirement for what they were sure was at least the fourth time.

THE Newcastle United board has decided to alienate its few remaining fans with a new away kit that looks like a boiled sweet made from urine.

Hull City are to buy Michael Owen with a view to breaking the player down for parts.

ANDREW Flintoff's Ashes bid received a boost yesterday after scoring 12 runs against a side throwing the ball quite fast.

ANDY Murray last night set his sights on a bitter, foul-mouthed victory at Wimbledon after cruising to a charm-free win at Queens.

AFTER their surprise victory against England, the Dutch have admitted they had better invent a word for cricket if they are going to play it for a second time.