Sport

BRITAIN was inconsolable last night as a 21 year-old man was forced to collect the best part of eighty grand for poking a stick around a field.

SOME footballers are loutish individuals who swear in mixed company, it has emerged.

SEBASTIAN Coe has launched the first tranche of excuses about why something in the Olympic Stadium doesn't work.

SCOTTISH football fans have insisted their bigotry begins and ends with the precise manner in which someone worships Christ.

GEOFF Boycott is to open Yorkshire's larget psychotherapy clinic, with a pledge to cure a patient every eight seconds.

FERNANDO Torres has been asked how many words per minute he can type.

IRELAND completed a grand slam over England yesterday after beating them 3-0 at having a lovely afternoon tea.

SIR Alex Ferguson has questioned the fitness of the stationery that was used to deliver his touchline ban.

OLYMPIC organisers have pleaded with the public to buy tickets for events not based on bikinis or hotpants.

RIO Ferdinand does not have the commanding sleaze of a world class sexual predator needed to captain England, Fabio Capello has claimed.