Sport

A LOCAL community has been banned from painting an England flag on the side of a building just because they want to use the blood of dead Argentinians for the red bits.

THE owners of Manchester United are to pay down their debts by making Rio Ferdinand do a fan dance for some Chinese opium lords.

CELEBRATIONS marking the departure of Rafael Benitez have been spotted by astronauts on board the International Space Station.

MILLIONS of men across England have embarked on a pathetic attempt to pretend to care about football, it was confirmed last night.

FABIO Capello has dropped 29 players from his provisional World Cup squad in favour of a side comprised entirely of mutant Wayne Rooneys.

ENGLAND fans have been warned against buying fake merchandise not made in official World Cup sweatshops.

THE BBC is to warn Match Of The Day fans before showing scenes of a graphic Blackpool nature, it was confirmed last night.

MILLIONS of children are waking up this morning drenched in sweat and urine following the unveiling of the London 2012 Olympic mascots.

ENGLAND cricket fans were celebrating last night as the national side won a version of the game developed especially for children.

PLUCKY Fulham went down fighting last night as their riches to even more riches tale ended in last minute disappointment.