A Cinderella Story Of Millionaires Supported By Billionaires Supported By Banks

THE Brawn racing team completed a Cinderella story yesterday after clinching the opening grand prix of the season with nothing more than millions and millions of pounds.

Benitez Signs On For Five More Years Of Buck-Passing

RAFAEL Benitez has signed a new contract which will see him blame other people for Liverpool's failures until 2014.

It Ended 4-1, Man Utd Tells Fans

MANCHESTER United used text messages to inform fleeing supporters of Saturday's defeat by Liverpool as thousands left Old Trafford early and caught the train back to London.

Tea Lady Makes Villa Debut

ASTON Villa boss Martin O'Neill last night defended fielding a 69 year-old tea lady in central defence after his side were dumped out of the Uefa cup.

OED Accepts Ronaldo As Synonym For ‘despicable Shit’

THE editors of the Oxford English Dictionary have agreed to include the word 'ronaldo' as a synonym for 'despicable', 'dishonest' and 'shitbag'.

A Six Foot Tall Texan Cricket Lover Could Blend In Anywhere, Says FBI

SIR Allen Stanford, the six foot four Texan with an obsessive love of cricket, could be impossible to find, the FBI admitted last night.

Where Are Toothless Hags? Demands Homesick Pavlyuchenko

SPURS striker Roman Pavlyuchenko last night hit out at England's lack of beetroot sandwiches and ugly, toothless old hags.

Most Footballers Now Under Arrest

ONLY one in 10 professional footballers in England is not currently under arrest, the FA confirmed last night.

Johnson Unveils Horribly Foul-Mouthed Olympic Slogan

THE official slogan for the 2012 Olympics will be 'London, City of Fucking Sport and Shit', mayor Boris Johnson has confirmed.

Tactical Genius Pockets £15m For Seven Months Work

LUIZ Philipe Scolari has once again demonstrated his tactical genius after pocketing £15m for just seven months work.