Sport

Loony Lefties Ban England Flag Made With Blood Of Dead Argies

A LOCAL community has been banned from painting an England flag on the side of a building just because they want to use the blood of dead Argentinians for the red bits.

Glazers To Make Rio Ferdinand Dance For Chinese Gangsters

THE owners of Manchester United are to pay down their debts by making Rio Ferdinand do a fan dance for some Chinese opium lords.

Liverpool Celebrations Visible From Space

CELEBRATIONS marking the departure of Rafael Benitez have been spotted by astronauts on board the International Space Station.

Sensitive men launch pathetic bid to feign interest in football

MILLIONS of men across England have embarked on a pathetic attempt to pretend to care about football, it was confirmed last night.

Capello Unveils Squad Of Mutant Rooneys

FABIO Capello has dropped 29 players from his provisional World Cup squad in favour of a side comprised entirely of mutant Wayne Rooneys.

Fake England Shirts 'Not Made In Official Sweatshops'

ENGLAND fans have been warned against buying fake merchandise not made in official World Cup sweatshops.

Match Of The Day To Carry Blackpool Warning

THE BBC is to warn Match Of The Day fans before showing scenes of a graphic Blackpool nature, it was confirmed last night.

The Mascot Nightmares Begin

MILLIONS of children are waking up this morning drenched in sweat and urine following the unveiling of the London 2012 Olympic mascots.

England Win At Children's Version Of Cricket

ENGLAND cricket fans were celebrating last night as the national side won a version of the game developed especially for children.

Disappointment For Plucky Billionaire's Plaything

PLUCKY Fulham went down fighting last night as their riches to even more riches tale ended in last minute disappointment.