Sport

FOOTBALL chiefs are to consider a reduction in the number of spray-tan trollops that top-flight players have to wheelbarrow in a motorway hotel.

ENGLAND are heading home from the World Cup today after state-of-the-art video technology showed the ball crossing their goal line many, many times.

THE All England Tennis Club has commissioned a special forces officer to terminate a match at Wimbledon after it went completely insane.

ADOLF Hitler was one of them Germans, experts claimed last night.

ENGLAND'S John Terry has said that it is time for the players to step up a gear in their gear-step-upping ahead of their game against Slovenia.

THE body of chess genius Bobby Fischer will be exhumed using the classic 'Trompowsky Desecration', it was confirmed last night.

NORTH Koreans were celebrating last night after their team's long-predicted 8-0 thrashing of decadent capitalist Brazil.

FIFA was banned from its own World Cup last night after giving millions of pounds worth of publicity to an unofficial product.

MANUFACTURERS of shoddy effigies that are hung outside scary pubs last night said they were desperate for John Terry to make England's next catastrophic error.

MANUFACTURERS of shoddy effigies that are hung outside scary pubs last night said they were desperate for John Terry to make England's next catastrophic error.