Sport

FOOTBALL fans are once again choosing to ignore how the multi-million pound transfer market makes their club allegiances look stupid and pointless.

CHIPPY millionaire Andy Murray will send an IKEA Aspelund wardrobe in his place for all future Grand Slam finals.

RICHARD Keys has blamed disturbances in the Force for his recent inability to cling on to his job.

BRITAIN could soon have the best lesbian squash players in Europe, prime minister David Cameron said last night.

SEBASTIAN Coe has revealed he was once a leading member of West Ham's notorious Inter City Firm.

THE offside rule is so simple even a woman can easily understand it, experts have confirmed.

RONALDO'S baby son punched a midwife within seconds of being born before feigning a calf injury, it has been confirmed.

LIVERPOOL captain Steven Gerrard is bracing himself for revelations that he ***ed a ***** and has had to ***** the ***** with a coat hanger and a ****ing great *******.

PROTESTORS outside Anfield last night questioned whether Roy Hodgson is mentally unstable enough to manage Liverpool.

FOOTBALL chiefs are to consider a reduction in the number of spray-tan trollops that top-flight players have to wheelbarrow in a motorway hotel.