Sport

RONALDO'S baby son punched a midwife within seconds of being born before feigning a calf injury, it has been confirmed.

LIVERPOOL captain Steven Gerrard is bracing himself for revelations that he ***ed a ***** and has had to ***** the ***** with a coat hanger and a ****ing great *******.

PROTESTORS outside Anfield last night questioned whether Roy Hodgson is mentally unstable enough to manage Liverpool.

FOOTBALL chiefs are to consider a reduction in the number of spray-tan trollops that top-flight players have to wheelbarrow in a motorway hotel.

ENGLAND are heading home from the World Cup today after state-of-the-art video technology showed the ball crossing their goal line many, many times.

THE All England Tennis Club has commissioned a special forces officer to terminate a match at Wimbledon after it went completely insane.

ADOLF Hitler was one of them Germans, experts claimed last night.

ENGLAND'S John Terry has said that it is time for the players to step up a gear in their gear-step-upping ahead of their game against Slovenia.

THE body of chess genius Bobby Fischer will be exhumed using the classic 'Trompowsky Desecration', it was confirmed last night.

NORTH Koreans were celebrating last night after their team's long-predicted 8-0 thrashing of decadent capitalist Brazil.