Sport

MILLIONS of people across England were last night struck by the horrific realisation that Wayne Rooney's ankle health could influence their emotional well-being.

GIANFRANCO Zola will be sent to live on a farm where he will spend the rest of his days frolicking with other managers, according to the West Ham United board.

REFEREE Howard Webb is to be used by police by ignoring his opinion on everything.

HULL City chairman Adam Pearson is to follow up his appointment of Iain Dowie as manager by burning the stadium to the ground and salting the pitch.

CHELSEA captain John Terry injured a Stamford Bridge security guard in what the club has described as bungled attempt to have sexual intercourse with him.

POET Laureate Carol Ann Duffy has penned a poetic tribute to Chelsea's favoured 4-3-3 formation without being asked.

LIVERPOOL are in talks with a private equity firm over a multimillion bid for the contents of Rafael Benitez's imagination.

ENGLAND'S World Cup hopes were back on track last night after Tom Cruise said he could heal his friend David Beckham using nothing more than a simple Dianetic mind poultice.

ENGLAND must finish in the top four sides arrested for lewd and uncontrollable drunkenness during this summer's World Cup, Fabio Capello said yesterday.

The secret recording of an England team talk was carried out by a group of WAGs desperate to discover why they are having to take antibiotics, it was claimed last night.