Sport

FERNANDO Torres has been asked how many words per minute he can type.

IRELAND completed a grand slam over England yesterday after beating them 3-0 at having a lovely afternoon tea.

SIR Alex Ferguson has questioned the fitness of the stationery that was used to deliver his touchline ban.

OLYMPIC organisers have pleaded with the public to buy tickets for events not based on bikinis or hotpants.

RIO Ferdinand does not have the commanding sleaze of a world class sexual predator needed to captain England, Fabio Capello has claimed.

THERE is no such thing as an Arsenal fan, it was confirmed last night.

TWO competing strains of Northerner became animated about something yesterday.

ENGLAND will today return the Ashes to Australia after the sport's governing body invoked the Ireland Rule.

BERNIE Ecclestone has confessed that Formula One is bollocks and he's sick of looking at it.

UNHINGED gunman Ashley Cole was last night offered a variety of objects by Paul Gascoigne.