Michael Vaughan Retires Again

CRICKET fans were shocked last night after Michael Vaughan announced his retirement for what they were sure was at least the fourth time.

Newcastle Alienate Remaining Fans With New Away Kit

THE Newcastle United board has decided to alienate its few remaining fans with a new away kit that looks like a boiled sweet made from urine.

Hull To Buy Owen For Spares

Hull City are to buy Michael Owen with a view to breaking the player down for parts.

Flintoff Secures Ashes Place By Scoring Twelve Runs

ANDREW Flintoff's Ashes bid received a boost yesterday after scoring 12 runs against a side throwing the ball quite fast.

Murray Cruises To Historic, Charmless Victory

ANDY Murray last night set his sights on a bitter, foul-mouthed victory at Wimbledon after cruising to a charm-free win at Queens.

Dutch to invent word for 'cricket'

AFTER their surprise victory against England, the Dutch have admitted they had better invent a word for cricket if they are going to play it for a second time.

Ballack To Hurl Venom At Referees For Another Year

CHELSEA striker Michael Ballack has signed a one-year extension to his abuse-hurling contract, the club has confirmed.

Dejected Man Utd Fans Begin Long Journey Back To Surrey

THOUSANDS of despondent Manchester United supporters returned to the Home Counties last night after the club's Champions League final defeat in Rome.

Leeds, Doctors Warn Newcastle

DOCTORS last night warned Newcastle United supporters they were now vulnerable to a nasty case of Leeds.

Benitez Handed £20m To Piss Straight Up A Wall

LIVERPOOL coach Rafael Benitez was last night handed a £20m transfer budget to spend on one big-name signing or shit away on a collection of abject losers that you've never heard of.