Capello Unveils Squad Of Mutant Rooneys

FABIO Capello has dropped 29 players from his provisional World Cup squad in favour of a side comprised entirely of mutant Wayne Rooneys.

Fake England Shirts 'Not Made In Official Sweatshops'

ENGLAND fans have been warned against buying fake merchandise not made in official World Cup sweatshops.

Match Of The Day To Carry Blackpool Warning

THE BBC is to warn Match Of The Day fans before showing scenes of a graphic Blackpool nature, it was confirmed last night.

The Mascot Nightmares Begin

MILLIONS of children are waking up this morning drenched in sweat and urine following the unveiling of the London 2012 Olympic mascots.

England Win At Children's Version Of Cricket

ENGLAND cricket fans were celebrating last night as the national side won a version of the game developed especially for children.

Disappointment For Plucky Billionaire's Plaything

PLUCKY Fulham went down fighting last night as their riches to even more riches tale ended in last minute disappointment.

Capello Names Provisional List Of Excuses

ENGLAND manager Fabio Capello has nominated his provisional list of 30 excuses for crashing out of the World Cup in June.

Chelsea Title Win Celebrated By Absolutely No-One

EVERYBODY in England completely failed to care yesterday as Chelsea clinched the Premier League title.

Liverpool To Replace Gerrard With Petri Dish

RAFAEL Benitez planned for Liverpool's future yesterday by buying a petri dish full of human DNA for £2m.

Bollocks To This, Say Goalkeepers

PREMIERSHIP goalkeepers have decided to fuck that for a game of soldiers after a spate of semi-fatal injuries over the weekend.