Sport

NEXT year I shall be reviving the lost tradition of the Grand Tour Of Europe, with my route taking me to every town in which Lord Byron managed to impregnate a member of the local aristocracy.

THE England team is now expected to eradicate all disease over the next three months, it has been confirmed.

CARLOS Tevez has vowed to get back to being an utter tool for his club, it emerged last night.

LONDON'S 2012 Olympics has been cancelled after Lord Coe decided it wasn't really what he wanted to do with his life.

ENGLAND’S football players will protest against a poppy ban by taking to the field dressed as Nazi soldiers, it has been announced.

ANIMAL rights activists have welcomed the removal of meat-processing machinery from next year's Grand National.

ANDY Murray will be remembered as the guy Rafael Nadal usually beat before he beat Roger Federer in the French Open final, it was confirmed last night.

OLYMPICS ticket applicants have been posted an elliptic set of messages that will eventually reveal what sport they will be watching.

HERCULE Poirot has been asked to deduce why that thing in the news about Fifa matters in the slightest.

FABIO Capello has responded to Michael Owen questioning his exile from the England squad by burning him a DVD of the last five years of his career.