Sport

ENGLAND will today return the Ashes to Australia after the sport's governing body invoked the Ireland Rule.

BERNIE Ecclestone has confessed that Formula One is bollocks and he's sick of looking at it.

UNHINGED gunman Ashley Cole was last night offered a variety of objects by Paul Gascoigne.

ANNE Hathaway's eight costume changes were a triumph, according to Surrey and England wicket keeper Steven Davies.

LONDON police are urging people not to travel to the newly-opened Olympic Velodrome amid overcrowding fears.

ARSENE Wenger has refused to comment on Arsenal's draw against Leyton Orient, claiming not to have seen any of it.

TICKET prices for the Champion's League final are fresh evidence that the people who run football think the fans might be a bit stupid, it emerged last night.

LONDON'S Olympic stadium will be transformed into the nation's finest car boot sale venue after the 2012 games.

WAYNE Rooney's right foot is being studied by theologians after his overhead kick impregnated a 58 year-old woman from Guildford.

FABIO Capello declared himself ambivalent toward the display the side he would prefer not to pick gave against Denmark last night.