Sport

STOKE City's signing Michael Owen has said that his number one priority right now is to find Stoke on a map.

ARSENE Wenger has refused to sign a new long-term contract with Arsenal, insisting he can find a cheaper, younger version of himself.

SCOTLAND has revised its opinion of whether tennis is for 'poofs', it has emerged.

TENNIS champion Andy Murray plans is using his fame to unite Scotland against the English, it has emerged.

LEWIS Hamilton is facing a dilemma over which team's cars he is going to smash into a wall, it has emerged.

ENGLAND players are making increasingly-implausible excuses for not seeing Roy Hodgson at his FA retirement bungalow.

KENNY Dalglish has signed for Liverpool, boosting both morale and their ineffective strike force.

OSCAR Pistorius' complaints about prosthetic blades have triggered the introduction of compulsory strap-on hooves in Paralympic running.

ENGLAND’S football-related car parks are hoping for their chance to shine as the transfer window closes today.

MAGNETO has destroyed the Olympic Stadium, after becoming convinced that the Paralympics is a gathering of superheroes.