Sport

QUEENS Park Rangers midfielder Joey Barton is to part company with himself at the end of the month, by mutual consent.

THE government has produced an official chart ranking sportspeople according to their level of heroism, to help fans perplexed by this year’s Euros, Olympics and Paralympics.

THE Lance Armstrong drug scandal has raised hopes that cycling can now be stopped altogether.

MARTIN Jol is to be sat  sat down and have the last 50 years of football explained to him, the FA has confirmed.

ROBIN Van Persie is expected to be out for at least nine months after some very loud shouting by Sir Alex Ferguson.

THE start of the Premier League season has renewed  Britain's sense of worthlessness and pessimism.

ONLY five tickets have been sold for a major handball tournament, it has emerged.

MANCHESTER United are now virtually uninsurable after the signing of splintery striker Robin Van Persie.

EDINBURGH'S giant pandas Tian Tian and Yang Guang have bought Rangers FC.

NICOLA Adams’ historic gold medal win in the Olympic boxing has seen her edge into the top ten of Leeds hardwomen.